Ryouga meets his match! Sue Mary, the Mary Sue!
by Psyprass
Summary: The only thing Ryouga had ever wanted was a girlfriend. Melancholy, wistful and alone, he was desperate enough to get anyone. But is he quite desperate enough for HER?
1. An unpleasant misunderstanding

It was another quiet day in Tokyo. Ryouga Hibiki, who had once again lost his way, was heading out of town on the way to the Tendo doujo, with a large bouquet of flowers and a box of assorted chocolates clutched tightly in his hands. It was Valentine's day; he was surely hoping to win Akane's heart – he just had to. The sun was a shimmering jewel of hope as it warmed his back, and the dusty path he strode along boldly wore a wreath of flowers and trees along its edges which seemed to encourage him on, to achieve his goal.

"Oh Akane," he said out loud. "Akane, darling… Today shall finally be the day when two lost souls, searching for eons throughout the lonely road of life without a trace of hope or joy, shall finally become one as kindred spirits! Our spirits will walk unhindered together through fields of diamonds and sapphires, the power of love surging strongly through our blood! You shall be stolen by no one, because we were meant to be! Your heart shall be thine, Akane! Wait for me! Akaneee!" Looking ahead of him he saw, through the sparkling beacons of sunlight bearing down on the path, Akane's gentle hands reaching out towards him as though beckoning him to draw closer towards their heavenly touch. Crystals drifted shining around the fingers and swirled simultaneously in the air. Tears streaming down his face, he grabbed Akane's hands and sniffed, "Yes, Akane! We shall no longer be separated by the foolish distractions of life! It is time!"

Then the crystals and sparkles suddenly dissolved in midair. The slender hands he clutched slowly melded into what appeared to be two large salamis before his eyes. He blinked, and looked up at whatever was attached to them. A pouchy, boar-like face adorned with extremely thick makeup and wearing a most startled expression gazed down at him. Ryouga stared back up, too shocked for words, his mouth hanging gormlessly. Then, timidly, he unstuck his fingers from the enormous hands and took a step backwards.

"S – sorry… uh…" was all he could muster, feeling very flustered and foolish.

Now that he was further back, he could see the swelling bosom under the stretched kimono; the massive person was probably a female. For a moment she stared at Ryouga, apparently lost for words. Then her thick, heavily lipsticked lips curled torpidly into a wide grin, and she giggled girlishly, blushing.

"Well," she purred in an unnaturally deep voice. "I had no idea such a fine handsome young man like you would be so… daring."

"Uh…" Ryouga awkwardly took another step backward as she fluttered her eyelashes at him.

"You know, you're the first man to ever take such an interest in me…" she rumbled seductively, sidling closer to him, one hand on her hip, the other poised fashionably in the air. Feeling somewhat terrified now, Ryouga backed away as much as the woman moved forward.

"No – it's not like-" he stammered.

"Come on, why don't we get a little closer now and get to know each other better?" she boomed, stretching out her spade-like hands and suddenly moving forward. Ryouga gave a gurgled cry of horror, darted out of the path and ran for his life. He could hear the thundering footsteps pounding the ground in pursuit behind him.

"Where are you going, darling?" the woman called after him. Not looking back once, Ryouga leapt over a picket fence onto a house roof, over several trees and around the old cleaning lady sloshing water on the driveway out front Furinkan High School. His gigantic pursuer smashed through all of these in the chase.

"Why does this always happen to me?!" he yelled as he bolted down the road. All of a sudden, the cleaning lady plunged down from nowhere into a garden down the road. Her wooden water bucket and scoop also came tumbling to the ground; however serving poor Ryouga with a great dose of misfortune as they struck the top of his head dead center and sprayed him with water.

Where an eternally lost teenager once stood was now a very soaked, very bewildered black piglet, tottering around slightly amongst a mass of clothes with a large bump on its head.

"Darling! Where did you go?!"

Ryouga, now in pig form, abruptly came to his senses as he heard a familiar booming voice. His ears flattened against his skull with fear as he saw the large woman trotting up the road in his direction, and scooted aside.

"Oh, _really_! Now where could that hunk have gone?" she huffed as she continued running. Ryouga breathed a tiny sigh of relief. Whilst he was in this state, she would not be able to recognize him, and thus would pass him without a second glance. He would narrowly escape certain doom for sure.

It was a sad irony that although she did not notice him, she didn't notice the bucket and scoop either, and her bulging eyes widened as she stumbled and slipped over them. Somehow - and Ryouga never found out how – she managed to fall sideways… right where he was standing. His squeals were cut off sharply by a huge bosom crashing into the hard cement road.


	2. The tragical entrance of Sue Mary!

_Cling. Cling. Cling._

Ryouga stirred to the sound of chimes clanking gently, and he opened his eyes blearily. A pale yellow roof stared back at him blankly, with a golden ceiling fan rotating slowly overhead and a soft substance underneath him told he was lying in a bed. It took him a few moments to realize he was in an unfamiliar place, and he sat up suddenly. Gazing around in wonder, he surveyed the room he was in. It looked to be an elaborately decorated shrine; expensive ornaments and chimes bedecked every corner of the room, the walls held up various worn scrolls filled with what seemed to be English and Spanish incantations, and in the center of the room was a hearth rug of deep crimson under a large sapphire statue of a swan. The eyes glittered oddly.

"Where… am I?" he wondered, gazing at the statue's eyes with awe and slight discomfort. They looked so alive…

A voice like a breath of wind echoed through the shuddering silence, causing Ryouga to jump several centimeters off the bed.

"_So… you are awake now…_"

"Who is that?" he demanded, leaping out of bed.

The swan's eyes glowed a handsome blue; the room grew bright with the blue hue, and Ryouga had to momentarily shield his eyes. When the haze cleared, he lowered his arms to see a girl dressed in a silken pink kimono standing in the middle of the room, watching him. She was unusually beautiful, with large intensely blue eyes, jet-black hair that fell like a velvety curtain about her slender shoulders and a tanned oval face with delicate porcelain features. About her neck was a striking necklace adorned with precious jewels, and carved into the central gem was a strange symbol. As she strode over towards him, she seemed to uphold the elegant composure of a swan moving gracefully through a sparkling lake.

Ryouga stared at her.

"Who are you?" he asked suspiciously, backing away slightly as she drew nearer.

"Hush…" she replied softly, and placing both hands on his face, her lips drew close to his.

"Uh…" Ryouga said shakily, pulling away and blushing. "Well… um… if you could tell me your name… heh…"

Looking slightly annoyed at her failed attempt at a dramatically romantic scene between a clueless, melancholy boy and a beautiful mysterious maiden, the girl, trying again, seductively sat on the bed and gazed at him with her piercing eyes. Slowly and theatrically, she whispered with a Spanish accent, "My name… is Sue Mary." With this, she gave a mystifying and inviting smile. "But they call me… Swan… You're quite the man to ask, aren't you…?" She winked at him.

"Ah. You're foreign, then?" he asked, apparently oblivious to her seductive attempts.

Swan looked affronted. "Yes, I am foreign. I'm Spanish." Despite this, her accent had vanished. Getting up, she paced irritably with much less grace than before to the end of the room, stopping in front of a marble table at the adjacent wall where a small pot was giving off steam. She began busying herself with the pot.

"Spanish? Sue Mary doesn't sound Spanish." Ryouga said.

"Well, I am Spanish! And I am a highborn, a well-bred aristocrat from the family of uh… _Loco Dano_."

"But doesn't _loco _mean "crazy"?"

"No!" Swan said a little too quickly. Looking as though she wanted to change the topic more than anything else, she added, "… I came here to Japan, to search for the man who killed…"

"Killed?"

"Killed my family." Swan said simply without looking at him. She had stopped what she was doing.

Ryouga's insides went cold, and he froze. At a loss for words, all he could do was stare at her.

"Killed… your family?" he uttered finally.

Swan spun around dramatically, her black hair sweeping around her shoulders, her face wearing a tragic expression with diamond tears shining in her azure eyes. Despite this, it almost seemed as though she had been hoping the topic about her past would come up, judging by the way she launched into the story of her terrible past immediately without hesitation.

"You see, it all began when I was a young child of four…" she sniffed, clasping her hands tightly. "I was so happy with my family, so very happy. I loved my dear brother and my dear parents. In our beautiful country home in the Diamond Village, we were all so carefree. Until that tragical day."

Swan closed her eyes for a moment, the heartrending expression on her face becoming more pronounced, before continuing. "That day occurred when a man named Armageddon and his band of thieves came to the village, and ransacked everything after we refused his demand of taking over as the new mayor. Many people were killed, and only a quarter of the village was able to escape, myself included. The five of us that were left went our separate ways after vowing to slay the evil Armageddon."

Ryouga frowned, confused about the total figure of survivors that were meant to be the remaining quarter of the village, and was about to try and make a calculation when she spoke again, so suddenly that he jumped.

"My beloved family was amid the deceased. I am now on a quest to destroy this villain, who caused my horrible past, and impose upon his dark and twisted soul what he put me through – my tragical suffering and torment will be inflicted back onto him and he shall regret the evil deeds he committed!" Swan commenced pretentiously, speaking as though she was reciting it all off by heart.

"But where do I come in? Why am I here?" Ryouga asked.

Swan looked at him. "I rescued you from the peril you were previously in. I had watched you flee from danger, and witnessed you turn into a piglet. It was then that I took you back to my place to nurture you back to health."

"Why?" he questioned.

"Because… because… Because I love you!" she cried out, and at that moment she flew forward in an attempt to fall into his arms. Ryouga was so startled that he leapt backwards, causing Swan to crash to the ground. Blushing, he backed up against the wall.

"Y-You love m-me?" he stammered, feeling his face burn.

Swan rose to her feet, adopting her seductive manners once again. She fluttered her eyelashes at him. "Oh yes," she purred. "I love you more than anything in the world. You look so lonely, and I am so lonely it hurts! So we _must _be together."

Normally, Ryouga would have been extremely flattered, and perhaps would have fallen for her. But this girl was… she was… there wasn't a word to describe her. She didn't seem right… she seemed chillingly desperate, almost like some kind of stalker. He shuffled backwards slightly, trying to subdue his embarrassment, and cleared his throat, thinking of a way to change the subject.

"Um, how exactly are you, uh, going to kill this Armageddon guy? Are you strong?"

She smiled. "Yes. My entire village was composed of the most powerful fighters in the Universe, and I was taught for a month. I was praised as the best in the village."

"So what do you know?" Ryouga asked.

"I am extremely proficient in every martial art in existence, and can also expertly use every type of weapon. As well as that, I can fire ki blasts and have mastered controlling my ki, so I can fly. I am a shape-shifter, can speak over six hundred billion languages, have psychic powers of every kind and can manipulate any element around me, especially fire." She then went on to describe many more abilities and powers of hers in detail. Ryouga raised his eyebrows as he listened, quite taken aback at all these skills of hers that she had magically learned in a month at the age of four. If all the villagers were like her, how come a gang of petty thieves managed to wipe them out? Then again, even they would have had trouble if there had only been twenty of them.

After Swan had finished talking, she cleared her throat significantly, and tapped her fingers on her necklace, giving the impression that she wanted him to ask about it, but also making it seem as though she really didn't.

"So… what's with the necklace? Does it have some history to it?" Ryouga asked, getting the message.

Swan gave a great start of fake surprise. "Oh, you mean this? Oh… don't worry about it. It's just a necklace…" She lowered her eyes enigmatically, but also fervently checking to see whether Ryouga was being killed by anticipation about what horrible twisted past the pendant may hold. He wasn't.

"I-I'm sorry, but I cannot speak of this pendant. It is oh-so mysterious, and must remain that way." Swan apologized, trying to reinforce the suspense. But two seconds later she eagerly plowed on with the story anyway. "It came from my mother, who received it in turn from her mother, and so on. It is a symbol of our heritage of race."

She paused for a moment, and then continued. "I am not a pure-bred warrior. I am half-human, half-demon."

"Half-demon?" Ryouga gasped.

"Yes. But I am also half-elf, a quarter Pegasus, half-flame fairy, half-fallen angel, three thirds of a tenth of a mermaid, half-water sprite, seventeen quarters dragon-slayer and six point four eight two zero six zero recurring two hundredths sorcerer."

Ryouga sweat-dropped. This girl _was _chilling. No, forget chilling. A total maniac.

As he moved backwards slightly to increase the distance between them, Swan beckoned for him to follow her as she made her way to the door.

"Come on!" she said, all traces of her sadness gone. "Let's go for a walk, shall we?"


	3. A cute cherry lane

Although extremely creeped out by this presumably fixated Swan, Ryouga, being the big softie he was, went for a walk with her. The two left her home (which turned out to be a mansion) and went for a leisurely stroll, although the direction seemed to be largely steered by her. They eventually ended up walking down a long and peaceful lane, lined with pretty sakura trees and delicate gardens with little pink cherry blossoms swirling all around them; the kind of lane that only exists in a cute sugary shoujo manga. Swan, apparently affected by her surroundings, had transformed her mood from a mysterious young woman into a false but cutesy-pie entity of innocence and sickly sweetness.

"Ooooh! Look at all the pretty trees and flowers, Ryouga-chan! Aren't they just dear?" she bubbled while tugging on Ryouga's shirt. She wore upon her face a silly grin, possibly trying to be cute, as she gawked at him with huge childlike eyes.

Ryouga looked around, determined not to look at her. She was really, REALLY beginning to freak him out. Was she a schizophrenic? Her personality seemed to constantly change like the weather, as if she were trying to impress him with all sorts of "charming" charismas.

"Uh… yeah." he replied, forcing a grin onto his face as he turned to face her. "So, why are we out walking again?"

For a moment, Swan stared at him with a stupid expression on her face.

Breaking into a fit of girlish giggles, she cooed, "This is what couples do! Oh you big silly!" She cuddled up next to him, grasping his arm tightly.

Ryouga flushed uncomfortably, trying to pull away.

"Okay, Swan," he mumbled, smiling feebly. "This has been a _great _walk, and I've enjoyed all the sights, but I really have to be going now, so if you'll just let go…"

She paid no attention to him. "Oh, Ryouga, my precious little posy puff, aren't we meant to be? Destiny chose us to unite as one, as soul mates, kindred spirits, one world within each other! I love you!" And with that, she leapt into his arms and puckered up, trying to kiss him.

"AGGHHHHHH!!" shrieked Ryouga as he threw her aside and sprinted away down the blossom-filled lane, screaming his head off.

"Wait, my sweet honey-poo-poo! We have not shared tender love's first kiss!" Swan ran after him with her hands held up girlishly as she did so, an ecstatic expression on her face, her blue eyes flashing manically.

"NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Ryouga pleaded as he ran for his life, leaping over bushes, fences and houses in a desperate attempt to lose her. But she still managed to pursue him, running along the ground adjacent to the obstacles he was charging over, transfixed on getting hold of him.

"I saved your life, sugar bunny! You owe me your LOOOOVE!"

Ryouga had always wanted a girlfriend; in fact he was desperate in his loneliness. But this was just going too far. He was about to leap from the roof of the house he was running across to the ground when he heard an ear-piercing shriek. Whipping around and looking down, he saw Swan, struggling to get away from the large lady from before, who had taken hold of her arm.

"EEEEK!" she squealed waving her free arm around like a helpless doll. "Ryouga, save me!"

"You're going to pay for hitting me with that frying pan, girl!" the lady roared.

Ryouga raised an eyebrow as Swan, who had quite boldly boasted about all of her super-powerful fighting skills and who had claimed to have vowed revenge against a man who could wipe out a village of extremely powerful warriors, struggled helplessly against an ordinary person while expecting her knight in shining armor to gallantly leap down and rescue her.

"What about all of those special powers you claimed to have? Can't you just fight her with those?" he called down.

"What – that is – I'm not – " she spluttered, her face turning four shades redder. "That's not the point! I'm the damsel in distress, the vulnerable princess and love of your life! You're _supposed _to save me! You're meant to be my hero!"

Ryouga glared at her. He wasn't one to ignore the "weak" when they were in trouble, but from the looks of things, she lied to him about her abilities. And Ryouga isn't one to easily forgive liars. Plus, she was annoying and weedy. He turned to leave.

"No! Wait, my love! Please don't leave me! Help! Help!"


	4. Confrontation at dinnertime!

Ryouga strode down the road, satisfied with the result of the hectic day. Finally, he had gotten rid of Swan. That girl had cost him an entire day, which could have been used spending time with his beloved Akane.

After several minutes of brooding on the wasted day, the loss of the expensive gifts he had bought for Akane, being chased by a woman who looked as though she could pick him and squeeze him in two, falling unconscious in the middle of the street and being pursued by a hysterical schizophrenic who wanted to eat him for breakfast, he stopped walking and looked around.

"Hmm… Is it just me, or does this place look very familiar…?" he murmured to himself, frowning as he a gazed around at a pretty lane lined with sakura trees.

After a moment, he sighed, sinking into a black hole of depression.

"I'M LOST AGAIN?!"

It was nearly six in the evening the next day by the time Ryouga found his way to the Tendo Dojo. He thrust open the door, exhausted, grumpy and dirty, with only the little flare of hope that he would be able to see Akane keeping him on his feet. Staggering through the house, he discovered the occupants of the house gathered at the dinner table for their evening meal.

"Why, welcome, Ryouga! It's a surprise to see you here!" Kasumi said as he stumbled into the room.

"Well, well, well, long time no see, P-Chan," Ranma quipped thickly, through a mouthful of oden.

Ryouga glared at Ranma, and was about to snap back when Akane interrupted.

"Ryouga! When did you get back from Osaka?" she asked, smiling at him.

He turned his gaze to her, feeling the heat rush to his face.

"Um… just now?" he replied awkwardly, blushing strongly.

"If he went to Osaka, then I s'pose we'll all be expecting souvenirs from Paris," Ranma added, sneering.

"Shut up, Ranma!" Akane snapped.

But Ryouga didn't hear a thing Ranma had said. He was staring, in shock, at the person sitting next to Kasumi, his jaw hanging about his knees.

"Catching flies, Ryouga-kun?" Swan snickered. "Close your mouth, nobody wants to see your orifice."

He stood there, momentarily, unable to move or make a sound, before pointing frantically in her direction. "What's SHE doing here?!"

Swan curled her lip at him. "I should ask the very same for you, riff-raff…"

"Oh, do you mean Blade here? I found her being attacked by another woman, so I helped her out." Akane said, gesturing towards Swan.

"Even though I could have EASILY beaten that bitch myself," Swan replied scathingly, to which Akane looked extremely taken aback at her rudeness.

Ryouga raised his eyebrows, confused. "Blade?"

"Yes! Obviously!" Swan snapped. "Are you, like, stupid or what?"

"But your name is Swan! Sue Mary!" Ryouga cried.

Swan rose from her spot at the table, marched over to him and grabbed his collar roughly.

"You bastard," she hissed. "Call me that stupid girly name one more time and I'll kill you and bury your remains. GOT IT?!"

Everyone stared at her, apparently too stunned to speak. Ryouga looked at her fiercely.

"What the hell is your problem? First you were acting sexy, then tragic, then cute, now all tough—"

Swan shoved him roughly to the ground, and folded her arms in the most un-girly way she could. From the floor, Ryouga was now able to see the dramatic change in her taste of clothes. She was wearing a large black biker jacket adorned with large rusty chains attached at both ends to the front pockets, and artfully ripped faded jeans with a gold belt and knee-high brown spike-studded boots. Protruding from the shoulders of the jacket were two large blades curving back, matching the black blade-tipped fingerless gloves she wore. About her neck was a spiked collar, and hanging from her belt was what looked like a dagger. She was wearing black lipstick and eye shadow with her hair cut short and spiked up, giving her a very gothic appearance.

"Don't mess with me, unless you want to die young." Swan snarled. And with that, she dramatically walked out of the room and slammed the door.

"She's even uncuter than Akane," Ranma murmured, to which Akane slapped him across the back of the head.


	5. The pandemonium plan

**Psyprass: Sorry about the length of this chapter – it just seemed to keep expanding as I typed. It also seems to lose most of its coherency by the end, due to the random, chaotic events that occur. I apologise for that too, if it doesn't make sense.**

The next day, Ryouga crept sleepily out of his tent and stretched, yawning loudly. He had set up camp in the middle of a park, to which passer-byers stared at curiously. Of course, he wasn't about to spend the night at the Tendo's; that annoying, identity-confused Swan was staying there. Surveying his surroundings groggily, he decided that he would return to the Tendo's in a week – by then, that girl would surely have left by then. He was about to reach into his tent to pull out his backpack when a snide voice broke the peaceful quietness of the early morning.

"Heh. So you stayed _here _for the night? What a loser."

Ryouga gritted his teeth, hoping that his ears were deceiving him, and he turned around. Unfortunately for him, they weren't. Swan was standing behind him, wearing the same clothes she had on the previous night, only her hair had now bizarrely grown back to its original length and styled back into a plait. Her arms were crossed to reinforce the "tough" image and her expression was contorted into a malicious sneer.

Ryouga growled. "What do you WANT?"

"I just wanted to see how much of a dork you were." Swan replied smugly.

"Well get lost! You're the most annoying person I've ever met!" Ryouga, thoroughly irritated, turned his back on her to rummage around in his bag as an excuse to not look at her. He tried to ignore the snide remarks she kept shooting at him as he started to take down his tent. When he finally turned around to fly off the handle at her, he noticed, for a split second, a deep blush on Swan's face. When she saw him staring at her, she shook her head and began shouting at him.

"What? What are you staring at, LOSER?"

Ryouga's eye twitched. So she was acting all tough and calling him names, but in truth still had a crush on him? Was she trying to be "cool" or something?

Suddenly, as Swan continued to shout incessantly in his face, he got an idea. A horribly wonderful, ingenious idea.

Well, it wasn't really ingenious; it was actually quite simple. Looking to the sky, he thanked the heavens that there was someone else out there madly in love with him other than Swan.

"So… _why _are we going this way again?" Swan asked rudely as they walked together down the street.

"Uh…" Ryouga tried to make something up. "Well… I'm going to show you something…"

"Show me what?" she demanded, putting on her "tough girl" image as she crossed her arms.

"Show you a really nice park that I saw a while ago!" Ryouga fumbled, grinning unconvincingly. But in truth, he was luring her into a trap he had assembled to get rid of her. It wasn't a complex plan; he would merely lead her to the pig-sumo dojo and Akari, being in love with Ryouga, would become insanely jealous and attack Swan, causing her to flee in terror back to wherever she came from.

On the other hand, he could easily just beat Swan up and run away, but she was FAR too pathetic to be even worth hitting. He didn't like beating up weaklings, even annoying weaklings like her.

"A nice park? I'm not interested." Swan said, but she kept walking anyway. "And why are you showing me this place?"

"Because, uh, I like you very much!" Ryouga lied. Even though he was trying to deceive her, he could _not_ bring himself to say "love". Not to HER, anyway.

Swan rolled her eyes. "Yeah right. And just a moment ago you totally hated me and called me the most annoying person you had ever met." But she blushed, looking as though she was trying very hard not to smile.

He blinked, not knowing what to say to that. They continued to walk. Unfortunately for Ryouga, however, his sense of direction failed him yet again, and he found himself staring at an unfamiliar street.

"Uh-oh…" he murmured to himself as he looked around.

"EX-cuse me?!" Swan said, trying to be tough again. "Why have we stopped? He-llo?!"

"Uh, don't worry, I'm just trying to remember where it is." he replied, trying to shut her up more than anything else. Swan gave a "hmph" of contempt and stamped her foot like a spoilt child. "I know all about your lousy sense of direction, _Ryouga_, so you'd better not have gotten us lost!"

Ryouga, ignoring her, now felt very anxious. Where _were _they? He cursed his abysmal tracking abilities as he realized that he might not even be able to carry out the plan now.

"Hello? Like, excuse me? What is up with you, idiot?"

Closing his eyes, Ryouga wished at that very moment that somebody, _anybody_, would come and distract the moment and shut the idiotic girl up.

"PIG-TAILED GIRL!"

Ryouga did not entirely register what happened next; it happened so fast. A dark blur had shot out of nowhere, and in the next moment Swan was sprawled on her knees with something nuzzling her.

"Oh pig-tailed girl, how I have missed you!" Kuno cried as he embraced Swan, who looked aghast.

"KYAAAAAAAA!!" was the reply that came from her as she screamed her head off, trying to push Kuno away. "PERVERT!!"

Kuno released her, startled by the sudden shriek, and glimpsed a look at her face.

"Oh… terribly sorry, young lady." he said apologetically, rising to his feet and helping her up. "I mistook you for another. It was just your pigtail…"

Trying to regain her tough composure, Swan pulled away from him roughly.

"If you ever, EVER touch me again, you pervert, I will KILL YOU! You hear me?!" she snarled at him.

Kuno raised his eyebrows. "Oh?" A smile spread across his face as he surveyed her. "And you name is…?"

"None of your damn business!" she growled back. But she told him her name anyway. "Swan. Why?"

Kuno seized her hands in his, and commented loudly, "My name is Tatewaki Kuno, and never have I seen such unfathomable beauty in such a woman! Your eyes are like the stars of Heaven, your hair is like the velvet curtain of night, your eyes…"

As Kuno rambled on poetically to a very astonished Swan, Ryouga smirked. Wasn't this the Tatewaki Kuno who constantly chased after Akane and the female Ranma? He had heard Ranma complaining about him, and Ryouga had vowed to deal with him for bothering Akane. But at this moment, Kuno was proving to be an interesting weapon. Swan was looking more and more disturbed by the second.

"Ew! Get away from me, you FREAK!" she spat, trying to free her hands. Kuno, however, did not appear to hear her, still rattling on about her "ravishing beauty".

Ryouga inspected the scene with amusement, watching this so-called tough girl struggle feebly against a flirting pervert.

"Oh, do you want me to save you again?" he asked wryly, a smile creeping onto his face.

"Excuse me? I can save myself, you good-for-nothing piece of trash!" she barked back. But at that moment, Kuno engaged her in a strong embrace, nuzzling against her face. A strange shudder seemed to run down from Swan's head to her feet, and her eyes popped out of her face.

"AAIIIII!!" she squealed. "SOMEONE SAVE ME—I mean, GET AWAY!!"

As Ryouga was watching the scene and chuckling, something heavy landed on his head, causing him to double over.

"Hey! Long time no see, P-Chan." A familiar voice commented from above his head.

"Ranma! Get the hell off me!" Ryouga shouted angrily as he threw the offending person from his head. "What do you want?" he growled as Ranma landed perfectly on his feet in front of him.

"Couldn't help but overhear some screaming in this direction. Just came to investigate." Ranma replied. He eyed Swan, who was struggling helplessly.

WHAP. He kicked Kuno a hundred feet into the sky, causing Ryouga to grimace. He had wanted to watch her flail about.

"Hey, you okay, Blade?" Ranma asked curiously. "I mean, judging by what you kept saying last night about your powers and all, I thought you would be able to deal with a grease ball like Kuno."

"SHUT UP!!" Swan roared at him, acting all tough again. "I could have easily – but YOU had to come in and interfere! You're such an idiot, you know that?"

Ranma was very much taken aback. "Someone got out of the wrong side of the bed…"

Swan was about to start yelling again when Mousse came running out of nowhere without his glasses on.

"OH SHAMPOO! HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU!!" he screamed, flinging himself onto Swan.

Swan squealed again and tried to struggle away, and Ryouga saw Ranma watching her skeptically. He grinned to himself.

"Hey Ranma!" A new voice appeared, and Akane came jogging around the corner. "Where on earth have you been? Your dad wants you back at the—"

Akane stopped short as she caught sight of Mousse and Swan. She blinked, confused.

"What's going on?" she asked.

"Blade here is showing us those ultimate fighting skills she was telling us about last night." Ranma snickered.

"Er…?" Akane watched Swan squirming feebly.

Finally, Mousse came to the realization that the person he was holding was not Shampoo, and he released her, putting on his glasses.

"Ah…" he said. "You're not Shampoo."

"OF COURSE NOT, YOU MORON!!" Swan exploded, spraying Mousse with spit.

"Why didn't you just fight him off?" Ranma asked her, grinning wryly.

"Shut up!" she growled.

"I was just wondering that myself…" Akane said.

A moment later, Shampoo came peeking around the corner.

"Did someone say Shampoo?" she asked.

"SHAMPOO!" cried Mousse. "HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU—"

He was silenced when Shampoo kicked him in the face. She looked around at the group.

"Why you all stand in middle of street?"

Ranma jerked a thumb at Swan. "We were saving her butt."

Swan looked as though she was going to tear him to pieces. "You numbskull! I'm so much stronger and more skilled than you. As if I need saving."

Shampoo glared at her, fist raised. "You no talk to Ranma that way!"

Swan looked slightly apprehensive at being threatened like this, but tried to remain tough looking. "Well," she started. "You're just a-"

She was cut off by the sudden arrival of Happosai, who had, judging by the bag of underwear lying discarded in the middle of the street, abandoned his panty-thieving to glomp this beautiful girl. He grabbed onto her chest and buried his face into her jacket.

"Oooh! A pretty lady!" Happosai cackled. "Why, you have such big-"

"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIGGHHH!!" screamed Swan once again, trying to pry the old man off. The rest of the group watched, half-startled and half-amused.

"I'm not even sure if I should stand here and enjoy this or beat up the old prune just for the heck of it," Ranma said.

"No, no. Just leave it be." Ryouga smirked.

The entertaining display was only broken by the return of Kuno, who looked as though he had fallen into a deep fryer by the way he looked. Or, to be precise, Ukyo's restaurant's deep fryer – she was chasing him with her giant spatula and yelling at Kuno.

"MY LOVE!!" Kuno yelled as he knocked Happosai out of the way and glomped Swan.

"You're gonna pay for the damage you caused, slime-ball!" Ukyo shouted angrily as she thrust her spatula at him. However, he leaned over tighten his hug at the last second, causing her to strike Swan directly in the face.

Cross-eyed, Swan wobbled back and collapsed on the ground. Kuno an obscene poetic phrase of revenge and drew his sword to attack Ukyo, but received a hard clout in the face by Happosai who had jumped up.

"How dare you hit me, you brat!" Happosai cried.

"You're the one who hit ME!" Kuno hollered, and the two began to brawl.

Mousse, who had lost his glasses upon being kicked in the face, rushed to Swan's aid.

"Are you okay, Shampoo?" he asked, helping her up. Swan pulled away roughly.

"Leave me ALONE!" she snarled.

Ranma gave a derisive laugh, causing her to fly off the handle at him again.

"And you! You ugly, good-for-nothing loser! I wouldn't laugh if I were you, considering how pathetic you are!"

Ukyo and Shampoo rounded on her like a pair of angry dogs.

"You!" Ukyo growled, clutching her spatula threateningly. "Don't you dare say such things about my Ranma!"

"You no insult Ranma!" Shampoo said, cracking her knuckles.

Akane made an attempt to step it. "Hey… maybe we should… cool off a bit, shall we?"

"You shut the hell up too, you ungirly uncute weakling!" Swan shouted at her.

The entire area went silent for a moment as both girls stared at each other. Then, everything seemed to turn dark as a crackling aura that formed around Akane blazed with an inferno that could only mean one thing – imminent death for Swan.

The three girls advanced on her, prepared to beat her into oblivion. It was then that Swan completely ditched her "tough girl" act, terrified, and hid behind Ryouga.

"Make them leave me alone, Ryouga!" she whined, clutching his shoulders and hugging his back.

Ryouga rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Right. What makes you think I would do something like that – anyway, you can take care of yourself. You told us so."

"R – Ryouga! My love! Please, don't let them hurt me! Save me, my love! Save me!" Swan cried, tears forming in her eyes as she hugged him.

A voice rang out from behind them. "NO!"

As they all turned around, they saw Akari charging forward on the back of her sumo pig, Konishiki.

"He is MY love! I won't let you take my Ryouga away from me!" she cried. "Konishiki, attack!"

The giant pig gave a snort and increased his speed as he lunged at Swan. Swan gave a shriek of terror and took off down the street, waving her arms around. Shampoo, Akane, Ukyo and Akari gave chase after her, their furious auras burning together as one. A few moments later, Kuno, Mousse and Happosai chased after her too.

"Wait, my darling flower! I love you!" Kuno called.

"Pretty lady!" Happosai screeched.

"Shampoo, I'll save you!" Mousse cried, still under the impression that Swan was Shampoo.

Ryouga and Ranma were left standing in the middle of an empty street. A breeze picked up, and a ball of tumbleweed blew past in the silence.

"Well…" Ryouga said. "That takes care of her, I guess…"

Ranma stared down the street, frowning. "Who – or should I say _what_ – was she?"

Ryouga chortled, and put his hand on Ranma's shoulder, beaming. "Whatever she was, it doesn't matter anymore. She's finally gone, and that's all that counts."

Chuckling, they both started back to the Tendo dojo – Ranma leading, of course.

Ryouga had never been happier. He spent the night camping in the Tendo's backyard, and the next morning he awoke to the birds singing in the clear air and wonderful prospect of solitude. Wonderful, wonderful solitude. Finally, that horrible girl was gone! It was a miracle he could hardly grasp the concept of.

Stepping out of his tent onto the dew-filled grass, Ryouga beamed at the morning sky and idly strode over to the Tendo's pond. The shimmering blanket of water winked at him in the sunlight's reflection, diamond specks flickering here and there amongst the flecks of lotus leaves and flowers. A fish with bright blue scales glided into sight, and then disappeared into the azure depths.

After a moment of admiring the pond, Ryouga turned around to move back to his tent, sighing happily. An enormous splashing sound as something large broke the surface of the pond sprayed him with water from behind. He whipped back around.

An extremely bedraggled-looking girl, with her torn and shredded biker clothes barely holding together, was leaning on the bank. Her disarrayed and wildly tangled black hair was untamed, and hung down in front of her face partially concealing it under the thick dirty strands. Her entire body was covered in cuts and bruises, and she sported a bleeding nose. Breathing raggedly, her bestial-looking blue eyes were wide open with lunacy and portrayed pure psychotic vehemence. The girl opened her shaking lips and lurched something from her mouth in a coarse voice.

"R… Ryouga… my… love…"

THE END


End file.
